overwhelmed

I'm starting to feel so overwhelmed, useless, worthless....I was hoping to avoid starting meds again. I have been doing fairly well without my meds, although my temper is quicker and my sleep is horrid. but, not being on so many meds is oh-so-nice. I guess I'm going to have to face the fact that bipolar doesn't go away. It gets better-reducing outside stressors (gee, like an abusive, alcoholic husband maybe? .. the ex, not my current one!) definitely decreases the rapid cycling, and even the cycling itself. But the insomnia has been horrible, and now I feel a very strong depressive cycle here. I'm spiraling. I don't know if I can get this thing stopped. Damnit. I promised Kenn that I would never not take my meds if I needed them. But I hate them. I hate "needing" them. But I know I'm a better wife/mother when I'm not in the middle of a hypomanic or depressive state. Or rapid cycling, God forbid. It's not fair to scream for no reason at the kids, and it's not right to not want to comfort the baby when he cries...even if I am touched out. Right now I'm just so thankful that he doesn't cry much, as long as I'm holding him. No colic-yet. Still, I'm a little tired of holding him. all the time. I put him down for 3 minutes, he's crying. I'd like to be able to sleep one night alone. Often it has to be ME holding him too..not Kenn, not Christohper. Christopher LOVES to hold him.

I'm stressing over everything, Christmas, money, the baby, the boys, Christopher's issues at school, my parents' health...and I feel myself stretched tighter and tighter...I have a constant headache. Mostly though, I just want to go crawl into a corner and not come out...maybe forever.