I've been feeling a little better the past few days. Maybe it's an upswing, although I'm still feeling pretty depressed, but not so much rage now. I've been so much calmer. The Risperdal 3 times a day is really helping I think.
I've been having some feelings, though, wondering if I'll ever love again. You know, Rich crushed my heart, and I wonder if he crushed my ability to love. I don't trust anyone. I can't. Now I wonder...will I ever love anyone like I should? I just can't imagine being with someone and loving him so much that I don't want him to leave. I like being alone. I like not having to answer to someone, even though I still sort of do because of the kids, but I like not having to ask whether it's okay if I go out. I can just say, "I'm going to go out" and then find a sitter. It's nice. And I just can't imagine loving someone so much that I don't want that to continue. I can't imagine loving someone to the point of being willing to give that up. In truth, I just can't imagine loving anyone at all.
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